My deadly Sin
by Denite
Summary: [Atobe & Oshitari] For Atobe there was no greater sin than Gluttony. Warning: An eating disorder fiction.
1. The beginning

Title: My deadly Sin

Pairing: Atobe & Oshitari

Genre: Angst/Romance

Disclaimer: Prince of tennis does not belong to me

Warning: A close examine on a mental disorder that is rapidly plaguing the world

A.N. This fiction is dedicated to all the girls and guys out there who had suffered and died in the journey of eliminating what they called "imperfection."In addition, please note that I am not glorifying the disorder and thanks you for R & R.

* * *

**My deadly Sin **

**Chapter 1: The beginning **

_Quad me nutrit, me destruit_

_(what nourishes me also destroys me)_

Voices from the past:

"_My god, look at that kid."_

_"How can he eat that filth?"_

_"He look like a pig."_

_"Hah, fatty."_

_"Hah, look at the chubby kid."_

_"Someone should tell him to put down the fork."_

_"Yeah, he can probably live off his own flesh for years."_

_"Hah, fatty"_

_"Flubber"_

…

The voices stop. At that time I was only five years old, but even then I know that being fat was not a good characteristic to have. In my opinion, it was better to be dead than to be fat. Being fat alone was enough a reason for others to look down on you.

_The stares_

_The taunting_

_The never ending torture_

I was never a fat kid, but from that day on I vow to never become a fat kid even if it kills me. I continue to sat on the swing and observe the scene before me like an outsider. The chubby kid had done nothing wrong and yet his presence alone was enough to make him the main target of other children.

I learn two lessons that day. One was words could be hateful and the second lesson was words could cut deeper than any sword. Some wounds weren't meant to be healed. I never saw that kid again. I used to wonder what happened to him, but I stop years ago.

* * *

**November 24, 2005**

It is that time of the year again. It is here, the most hateful holiday for people like me had arrived. I despite Thanksgiving, a holiday created for the sole purpose of stuffing people with poison till they exploded from over consumption. I fear the holiday Thanksgiving and had always wish that I can erase the date from the calendar.

The day when we committed the most sinful crime

_Gluttony_

One of the seven deadly sins and in my opinion it is the most disgusting of them all. Even thinking about the word "Gluttony" alone sends goose bumps down my skin and made me want to vomit. Like always, I had managed to escape the much dreaded dinner by faking illness again. In the safely of my own room I took out my food diary and started recording my progress for the day.

* * *

_Today's intake:_

Breakfast:

-1 cup of black coffee with 2 packs of splenda

Lunch:

-1 apple and water

Snack:

-1 sugar free gum and water

Dinner

-5 pieces of frozen grapes and water

_Total calorie intake_: 200 calories

_Workout_:

-4 hours of tennis

-6 hours of running on treadmill

-200 sit ups

_Total calorie burn_: 3000 calories

* * *

This won't work. It simply won't do. It is still not good enough. I am eating way too much. After years of living on the bare minimum my metabolism had slowed down drastically. A small apple felt like a three course meal to me and it just won't do.

The body would burn so much more if I could just stop being a pig and just eliminate fruits from my diet. I need to run more. I need to burn the excess calories from my body. I need to sweat. I need to purify my body. I know that by working out I will be able to purify my body of the excess filth and in return I will become empty once again.

_Empty_

Such a beautiful word

Such a clean feeling

I smile as I analyze the meaning of the word in my mind

…

TBC


	2. Taunt

Title: My deadly Sin

Pairing: Atobe & Oshitari

Part: 2/?

Genre: Angst/Romance

Disclaimer: Prince of tennis does not belong to me

Warning: A close examine on a mental disorder that is rapidly plaguing the world

A.N. Thanks for the reviews and I hope that this fiction will live up to your expectation. In my opinion, Atobe was the perfect choice for this fiction and if you are a huge fan of PoT it would be fairly easy to figure out why.

* * *

**My deadly Sin **

_Giving in to food shows weakness _

_Be strong and you will become better than everyone else_

Last night I woke myself from the same nightmare and I was drench in cold sweat again. I was shivering. I was shaking uncontrollably, but I couldn't remember if it was from the coldness or from pure fear. I drag myself over to my private bathroom and stood under the shower head. The rush of warm water was able to calm my shaky mind as I run my hand through my body. I could feel the bones poking out. I marvel at the feeling of my hip bones poking out and felt relief that I haven't indulge myself with poison.

Thank god I didn't binge.

Thank god it was only a nightmare.

Thank god it was only something conjure up by my mind

_A work of fiction_

I run my hand over my hip bones again before I put on my clothes. A smile appeared on my face as I try to recollect myself. Yes, the bones are still poking at me. Bones are the purest form of beauty and proof that I haven't sin.

My name is Atobe Keigo. I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, no scratch that I was born with a gold spoon in my mouth. Ever since I can remember, I was able to have everything that I ever desire but that alone was not enough for me. I don't want others to treat me differently because of my parents' wealth and power. I want to earn my superiority with my own two hands. I want to earn the admiration of others and because of that I have to be perfect.

_To be perfect_

It is a curse that I had brought upon myself. I can hear the same three words echoing in my head and slowly it had become a double edged sword. Every morning when I woke up I could feel the same words taunting me over and over again. Every morning it became harder and took more effort than the previous day to just force myself out of bed and put on my mask.

_Mask _

The single item that will help disguise my imperfection. My mask had help protected me from the world for many years. My mask had safety conceal my insecurity and I know that I wouldn't dream of leaving the safety of my room without putting on my mask first.

The arrogant smirk

The crisp iron Hyotei uniform

The attitude that put me above everyone else

It was all a well rehearsal act that took years of practice to master. I know many people despite me, but I also know that everyone envy me.

_Envy_

The color green was able to deceive everyone. The green eye monster has a way of blinding people with their own delusional thoughts. In a strange way, the jealousy that they felt towards me actually gave me the motivation to perfect myself. I wonder how they would react if they found out how insecure the great Atobe Keigo truly felt beneath the flawless surface.

I was expected to be the best at everything that I do and I wouldn't have it any other way. I pretend that I was naturally blessed but no one knew how hard I work to appeared flawless. The moment that I decided that I wanted to play tennis I know that I need to be one of the best. Anything less would be unacceptable.

This insanity had plagued my mind for years. Eventually, I felt that my mind will be devoured by this constant drive to reach the top at all cost. I was in the top of my class. I was the captain of Hyotei tennis team. I was the King of Hyotei. Everything seemed to come easy to me but no one knows the amount of work that I had to put in to appear perfect.

To be the son that my parents are proud of

To be the idol that every Hyotei students worshipped

To be the captain that leaded two hundred members to victory

Tennis is my escape.

Just few more laps. I need to run few more laps before I earn my break. I started to play tennis, because I fell in love with the adrenaline rush that came with the sport. I know many players had pushed their body to their physical limit for the love of the game but for me it was all about the adrenaline rush.

The adrenaline rush I felt from winning feed my hunger.

The adrenaline rush I felt from crushing my opponent made me felt like a victor.

The body might have weakened during the process but I know that my mind will remain strong. Ultimately, I will be able to succeed with my strong drive to be flawless.

Flawless means I need to stop eating because after all fat is the very symbol of imperfection and Atobe Keigo cannot be associated with such disgusting term.

TBC

Title of next chapter will be "Intruder"


	3. Intruder

Title: My deadly Sin

Pairing: Atobe & Oshitari

Genre: Angst/Romance

Disclaimer: Prince of tennis does not belong to me

Warning: A close examine on a mental disorder that is rapidly plaguing the world

**A.N. EDIT: **I made a huge mistake and thanks to Riku for pointing it out. Gakuto wasn't supposed to appear till later chapter so I re-edit this chapter. Don't laugh but I meant to type Ootori instead of Gakuto in this chapter so I just replace the name.

Ugh and yeah I have no idea I made that mistake and again thank you so much for pointing it out.

* * *

**My deadly Sin **

**Chapter 3: The Intruder **

_Craving is only a feeling _

_The only freedom left is the freedom to starve _

It is beginning of another month, December 1, 2005. Today I will start my fasting ritual. Few years ago, I had discovered a marvelous tool called fasting.

_Fasting_

_The act of willingly abstaining from all food _

I was immediately intrigue by this process called fasting. From some old history books I found out that very early on, fasting was a ritual that was highly recommended by religious leaders as atonement for sin. Human beings can only gain absolute focus when they started to deny their body the pleasure of eating. Further evidences can be found in the Bible, the Bible stated that fasting can be seen as a way to add emphasis to personal prayers. In my mind, I viewed the basic principle of fasting as a test of whether a person could deny himself in his physical being of what he desires the most.

Whenever I completed a fast I felt like I can conquer all obstacles. It is a mental high that I had grown to enjoy greatly.

For me, fasting was a very private matter because it is a ritual that I believed I will continue for the rest of my life. Beginning of each month, I would start my weekly fast which essentially means I will live on water for a whole week as way of purifying my body of its filth. In a way, I cherish the process so much because it felt like rebirth to me. By the end of each month, I would felt so weight down from stress, school and the food that I had consume. However, I can felt a sense of peace by fasting because it assured me that I can undo all the damage that I put upon my body.

The start of each month had slowly become my favorite times of year. For seven days I would not take a bite of any food and would live purely on water.

_Clean, crisp and purify water_

During those seven days I would think about food constantly. I would be a liar if I say that I am not hungry and do not crave food. The fact of the matter is that I do crave food. Often the craving would get so bad that I would even dream about food. I would dream about eating food and I would wake up feeling guilty because I felt like I had sin. Even thought, it was just a dream I would force myself to run on my treadmill for hours as a punishment for giving in.

On the treadmill I would run till I want to pass out and yet I continue to run. I would run and think about the end result. I would run and think about the fasting ritual. I would run and think about the true meaning of fasting and what exactly it is that I am doing.

_Starvation_

_Yes, that is exactly what I am doing_

_I am starving myself_

When I starve, I noticed that colors become brighter, sounds sharper and odors became so much more intense than normally. The smell would penetrate and fills every fiber and pore of the body whenever I inhaled during that time. Right then and there I had come to the conclusion that the greatest enjoyment of food is actually found when never a morsel passes the lip.

I know I shouldn't push my body very far during such crucial time but I can't help it. As the buchou of Hyotei team I cannot afford to slack off during practice. The dizzy spell will pass like it had in the past.

For now, I need to go to tennis practice and trained my body to fight despite lack of nutrients. It is time for practice, the time for me to burn more calories and not eat. I was walking into the locker room when I heard Coach Sakaki calling me to his office.

…

"Atobe, I want to introduce you to someone." Said Coach Sakaki.

"Yes, Coach." I replied.

"This is Oshitari Yuushi, the new transfer student. He seemed to think he has the ability to be one of the regulars. I trusted that you can take care of the rest." Stated Coach Sakaki.

I decided to take a good look at the new guy before saying, "Follow me to the court Oshitari."

Oshitari Yuushi looked like your regular rich and spoiled guy from an upper level Japanese family. He was blessed with a perfect face, perfect body and perfect posture. I envy people like him. I envy people like him who didn't have to suffer or endure the training that I force upon myself on a daily base so I can look like I belong in his group, the group of elites.

"So who do I need to crush in order to prove to the great Ore-sama that I am indeed qualified for a regular spot?" Asked Oshitari in an arrogant tone.

I can't help but laugh at the irony, another conceited player is exactly what we needed on this tennis team. A team where everyone is always plotting to take down another player for the much desired position of a regular.

I stood in front of the bench and announced, "All the regulars please gathered around me, there will be a slight change in plan for today's practice."

"What are you trying to do Atobe?" Asked Shishido.

"We should let Atobe buchou finished talking first Shishido-senpai before we started questioning." Said Ootori respectfully.

"Thanks Ootori, getting back to the point, we have a new arriver today and he would like to take one of the regular spot. As buchou of Hyotei tennis team, I believe that everyone deserve a fair shot so Oshitari may challenge any of the regulars and if he prevail then he will take the loser's spot." I stated.

I can hear everyone agree in union and decided to just sit back down and observe.

I watch as Oshitari walk in front of Taki Haginosuke and said, "Oshitari would like to challenge you to a match."

Taki look offended before replying, "You will regret your foolish decision."

The other members started to cheer Taki on and told him to wipe that smile off Oshitari's face but my insight told me that Taki will lose.

…

Match end with 6-3 in Oshitari's favor.

I watch as the some players congratulated Oshitari for a great match.

"Welcome to the Hyotei team Oshitari." I said as I ordered everyone to run laps.

…

At the end of the practiced, Ootori run up to me and said, "Atobe, we have decided to all go out for ice cream to celebrate Oshitari's victory today and welcome him to the team."

I smiled and said,"Ore-sama have something very important schedule later this afternoon."

"Ootori, it is pointless to ask Atobe because he would never eat in public with commoners like us and plus the foods that we eat are probably too low class for him anyway." Said Shishido with a snort.

…

I started to walk away and wave my farewell to the team. My teammates will never know the true reason behind my lack of participation. At that time if I had turned around I would noticed Oshitari staring at me but I didn't.

If I had turned around or if I had look closer at Oshitari, I would have noticed a pair of familiar eyes staring at me.

_Eyes that want to reach out to me_

_Eyes that had haunted me for years_

_Eyes that I haven't seen since I was a mere child_

…

TBC

Title of chapter 4: Solitude


	4. Solitude

Title: My deadly Sin

Pairing: Atobe & Oshitari

Part: 4/?

Genre: Angst/Romance (An eating disorder fiction)

Disclaimer: Prince of tennis does not belong to me

Warning: A close examine on a mental disorder that is rapidly plaguing the world and please **don't attempt** to test out the things in this fiction.

A.N. Thank you for R & R.

* * *

**My deadly Sin **

_You have made a decision, you will not stop. The pain is necessary, especially the pain of hunger. __It reassures that you are strong and can withstand anything._

It is day four of my fast. I am more than halfway through with my fast and like always no one had noticed. Years ago, when I first started fasting I was in constant fear of others finding out about my intentions and my abnormal ways. However, I slowly realized that no one cared or even gave a second thought about my behaviors.

I have all the money and power that I want, but I rarely get to see my parents because they were always away. I have gotten used to staying in this mansion with a house of servants who treated me more like a master than a teenager. The servants couldn't give a dame about my well being and my so called _friends_ will never noticed my self destructive ways ... not in a million years. It is funny that I actually refered to those people as friends because I don't have anyone close enough to me that would fit such title. _Friends_, they were just people who pretend to care so they can used you for all you are worth. I felt silly for ever having those thoughts, the images of being found out because apparently it was all in my head.

_Fear_

_The possibility of being found out_

_The anxious feelings in my stomach would make me felt uneasy_

_The thought of showing my true self to others had haunted me _

My greatest fear was to be completely vulnerable in front of others without a mask to conceal my true self. But I know that will never happen because no one had cared enough or come close enough to notice my self destructive ways. I had learned to enjoy the view from the top. Being on the top force me to stand high and mighty above the others. It is amazing how tiny and insignificant others look when you stand alone and high above.

But the feelings that I received from fasting told me that I am not alone. I am not alone because I can still feel those marvelous feelings from fasting; the dizzy spell, the constant coldness and the hunger pang. Those three different types of feelings are what I had taught myself to crave the most.

The first stage of fasting was the dizzy spells. At first it was uncomfortable because while I was running or playing tennis I would start getting double visions but I stay focus and conquered it. I was able to pretend that I was fine and furthermore the dizzy spells reminded me that I had stayed pure to myself. The next stage of the fasting would be the constant coldness that I feel. A body that lives purely on water lacks the warm that a normal human body should have. Even during summer, I would always feel cold. My body would often shake uncontrollably especially when I fast. But I know that the coldness of my body was the proof that I haven't touch food. I haven't let the fat in the food warm my pure body. Last but most importantly was my favorite sensation of all time, the wonderful feeling of hunger pangs. I like to think of hunger pang as a slight stab in the stomach and I craved that feeling the most. The hunger pang that let me know that I am empty and that I haven't gave in. I long for that feeling the most, the ultimate verification that I had won. I had won against my own desire. I had won against my fear.

Yes, being on top is a lonely job, but it was something that had become a second nature to me. Today was supposed to be like any other day but there was something about the new transfer student that bothers me.

Oshitari Yuushi

I had taken it upon myself to look up his record. It seemed that he used to live here when he was little but end up moving to America when his father earned a business promotion. His record in America was impressive. Oshitari Yuushi was a straight A student and a member of both the student council and the tennis team. Based on his record, Oshitari would have graduate in the top percentage of his class if he had stayed.

I don't know why I even bother. There was absolutely nothing that would link me to Oshitari. He was my polar opposite; he was the very image that I had tried so hard to perfect. I was right; Oshitari would fit in perfectly at the Hyotei Gakuen. A school full of clones of that fit into this ideal society, where everyone appeared to be rich, smart and attractive. Hah, yes, the ideal world with Barbie and Ken dolls. Yet, the pure irony of it all was that I was the leading Ken doll and had spend years of energy to molded myself into that role.

As much as other people envy me, I can't help but hate myself at the same time. My whole life had been a lie and maybe in reality my greatest fear wasn't being found out but rather being hidden. What if my greatest fear was knowing that no one will ever take off my mask of perfection and found the imperfection that lies beneath it?

_Strike away the self confident look_

_Strike away my perfect outer shell_

_Beneath it all lays my imperfection_

_The same imperfection that I see staring at me whenever I look in the mirror_

_My greatest fear or my greatest desire ... _

TBC

Chapter 5: Loneliness


	5. Loneliness

Title: My deadly Sin

Pairing: Atobe & Oshitari

Genre: Angst/Romance

Disclaimer: Prince of tennis does not belong to me

Warning: This story is primarily focus on eating disorder and its symptoms.

A.N. I almost forget that I promise to update this fiction on a weekly base. I am beginning to think that I have too many incomplete fictions on my hand but regardless I will continue to update this fiction. Thank you for R & R. Reading reviews always make my day and encourage me to write more.

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**My deadly Sin **

**Chapter 5: Loneliness**

_In a human body, as in sculpture, perfection is attained not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away._

The fasting ritual is finally over and that means I can start eating again. The final second of the ritual always worries me because I don't know whether I should felt relief or sad. In reality, it is a mix between the two sensations; I felt relief because I have gotten through another month. Along with the relief I experienced sadness because nothing had change. So what if I am allowed to eat again?

Being allowed to eat wouldn't change anything. If anything it will only complicated things and food will only fill my inside with guilt and self hatred. Yes, in a way I almost wish the fasting ritual would last forever. If only I can live on air and water.

_Pure and clean_

Fasting was my escaped. When I fast I can fool myself into thinking that things will get better once I completed my ritual. When I fast I can attempt to fabricate a lie to get myself through another day. But the moment the clock strike twelve, I know I have to wake up from my dream. In my dream, I had hope but truth is it was all a beautiful lie. My fast had ended and nothing had changed.

I am still living day by day with no one the wise. My heart felt heavy as I stared at the piles of journals stacking up in the secluded area of my bookshelf. Journals that I had started writing since I was a kid, the handwriting had matured, the loneliness that I recorded had evolved but one thing never changed.

My obsession with perfection hasn't changed or lessens in any way. I forget when I started tying perfection with being thin and frail. Maybe it was on that day when I saw _him_ get tortured for being fat; maybe it was on that day when I saw _him_ holding back his tears that I had started defining perfection with eliminating the filth from my body. My obsession with food and what it represented haven't changed at all in all these years. The body may have evolved over time but my mind doesn't want to let go of the past.

I don't want to and I know if I ever spoke those thought out loud it would freak everyone out. I know it is not normal to think about food or how to avoid food at every waking moment. Even without looking at food labels I can immediately tell what the serving size, the fat content, the sugar level and the calories are all from a single glance.

_Rules_

I live my life by these unwritten rules and I had long memorized them by heart.

_Never eat alone because you are wasting a good opportunity to show others that you do eat_

_Never drink any liquid that doesn't suppressed appetite or serve a purpose_

_Never eat anything bigger than the size of your fist_

_Never take more than three bites of any food_

_Last and the most important one is;_

_The more you eat the more you crave_

The goal is to not eat. The goal is to learn not to crave. The goal is to adjust to the coldness. The goal is to train my body how not to need. Yes, my ultimate goal is to learn how not to feel. I know I am far from reaching the final goal because I am so cold. I am so very tired. I wonder how long I can pretend that I am fine. I wonder how long I can pretend that I am close to reaching perfection when I know in the back of my mind that I will never reach it.

Yet, I can't stop. I can't stop this obsession. I can't stop this addiction. I can't stop running on my treadmill for hours and hours. I can't stop this invisible feeling that is slowly consuming me in whole. I can't stop the black hole from swallowing my being.

_Flaw_

_Scar_

_Ruin_

_That is what I am_

But all I ever want was to be the perfect child that would be worthy of my parents' love. All I ever want was to be held and to be warm. Everyone always loved the perfect child so that means I must be imperfect. If I was perfect then why was I always alone? Why were my parents always away? There lies a flaw in me that needed to be eliminated. I will slowly take apart myself one by one till I find the root of my imperfection.

It is time I face the truth. I admit I am lonely. I admit I am scared. I admit I am falling apart and I know when I finally collapse no one will be there to pick up the pieces.

I will break into million pieces like a broken puzzle. A puzzle that wasn't meant to be fixed once it cracked.

I want to stop. I want to be held. I want... I need... I wish I can break this vicious cycle but I can't. I can't because I don't know how. I can't because I am stuck inside this wall that I had built.

Brick by brick

I had built a wall that I can't get over.

Brick by brick

I had built a wall that I can't escape.

TBC

Chapter 6: Reaching out – in Oshitari's pov


	6. Reaching out

Title: My deadly Sin

Pairing: Atobe & Oshitari

Genre: Angst/Romance

Disclaimer: Prince of tennis does not belong to me

Warning: This story is primarily focus on eating disorder and its symptoms.

A.N. Thank you for R & R.

Note: This chapter will be in **_Oshitari's pov_** for the first time in this fiction.

* * *

**My deadly Sin **

**Chapter 6: Reaching out**

_It is better to be hated for who you are, then to be loved for someone you are not._

I know it was him from the moment I lay my eyes on him again. It was in his eyes. It was the same eyes that I saw when I was little.

He was sitting on the swing like a prince, all high and mighty. I was on the ground like a peasant. I hated that memory. I hated how he was looking down at me like I was trash. In my eyes, he was the very image of perfection, perfect like one of those dolls in a nicely package box. He was perfect and plastic. Yes, he was the kind that all the adults fuss over and at that moment I decided that I hate him.

I despite him because he was everything that I can never become. When all the kids left I saw that he was still sitting on the swing. Swing back and forth like a doll without any emotion. For a brief moment I forget that I was suppose to hate him. I was supposed to hate the prince who watched others torture me while he did nothing. But then I saw something that changed my mind. In his eyes I saw fear.

He was afraid. His eyes look absolutely petrified. The perfect looking child sitting on the swing was afraid. Even at age five I was able to conclude that the reason he didn't do anything was because he was to afraid to move. I don't know what came over me but I was overwhelmed with this need to comfort him. I couldn't explain this feeling, but I just wanted to walk over and embraced him and I probably would have if my nanny hadn't shown up at that time. I took one last look at the perfect boy before I left the playground that day. From that day on, I couldn't get his eyes out of my mind, the eyes that lack so much human emotion and in its place was fear.

I never did figure out what he was afraid of.

I never did figure out who he was but I made a silent vow that day.

I vowed that I would protect the perfect prince.

I vowed that I would erase the fear from his eyes.

I always thought that it was just a childish gesture since I never expected to run into him again but I did.

_Atobe Keigo_

There was no doubt in my mind that he was the same child sitting on the swing all by himself from ten years ago.

I know if I ever share my hypothesis with anyone they would just think I am nuts but it is the truth. People lie with their mouth but not with their eyes. During the past week I had been observing Atobe Keigo from many angles and what I saw confined my original assumption.

A person's eyes can't be changed that easily and Atobe's hadn't changed at all. He was still the same scared boy from ten years ago. Why was he so scared? What can he possible be afraid of?

_He was the same._

In ten years, he had managed to stay the same and that trouble me. He was still the same prince that I vowed to protect. He was still the same boy that I had wanted to embrace.

This is insane I can't stop thinking about Atobe Keigo. I can't stop thinking about everything that he does. I can't stop obsessing over someone that barely acknowledged my existence. Yet, why would someone so perfect live in constant fear? Why ………

My thought was interrupted by the image in front of me. The person who had haunted me in my dreams for years is in front of me. How is that possible?

A soft sound escaped my lip, "Atobe?"

"Oshitari …" Whispered Atobe when he noticed me in front of him.

Why was he here of all place? Better yet why can't I move?

"Oshitari, help me." Whispered Atobe before passing out.

For once I stop thinking and went with my instinct. Before I realized what I was doing I had pick Atobe off the ground and called a taxi with my cell phone.

My fingers were shaking uncontrollably at the mere touch of Atobe because his body was shivering and literally freezing. I was also amazed at how light Atobe felt. I had never seen Atobe so close before. In the back of a taxi, Atobe look so strikingly fragile and so different than the person that he had portray at Hyotei. No one would believe that the Atobe Keigo in my arm would be capable of leading two hundred members of Hyotei tennis team.

What is going on?

I have so many questions that I want answers to but unfortunately the only one who could answer them was currently unconscious. It seemed to take forever but in reality it was only fifteen minutes before we get to the hospital.

My mind was racing at million miles per second when I finally saw the doctor walk out of the room. I immediately run over and asked, "Doctor, how is he?"

Rather than asking my question, the doctor asked me, "What is your relationship to the patient?"

"He is my cousin." I answered quickly.

"I want you to contact your cousin's parents and tell them that they need to make a trip to the hospital." Stated Doctor.

The alarm inside me went off and I need to say something before the doctor discovered my lies, "Actually, my cousin's parents are both away on business trip and they won't be back for two more weeks. I will take full responsibly of my cousin and pay for the doctor fee."

I can tell the doctor still has his doubt and maybe it was because of the panic in my eyes but whatever it was he agree and told me to come with him.

"Oshitari-kun, do you realized that your cousin hasn't ate anything in days. While we were carefully examined him, we noticed that he is lacking serious nutrients. His body is shivering and I suspect that is because he haven't eaten in days."

I was shocked but for some reason I didn't want to leave Atobe alone in the hospital, "My cousin was fasting for religious reason, but I will tell him to be more careful about it."

The doctor looked relief before scolding, "Your cousin need to break his fast before he suffered any long term damaged. You must tell your cousin to eat something. His body is very weak and I still want him to come back next week for further testing. I suggested that you try to get him to drink some soup first since his body might be reluctant to intake food if he was indeed fasting."

I nodded and started to fill out the forms needed to take Atobe home with me.

What was going on?

Why did Atobe Keigo passed out at that park?

A better question ...

Why did I lied for Atobe?

I have a horrible feeling that I might have made a deadly mistake ...

* * *

TBC... 

Chapter 7: Denial


	7. Denial

Title: My deadly Sin

Pairing: Atobe & Oshitari

Genre: Angst/Romance

Disclaimer: Prince of tennis does not belong to me

Warning: This story is primarily focus on eating disorder and its symptoms.

A.N. Thank you for R & R and yes the plot is starting to surface.

* * *

**My deadly Sin **

**Chapter 7: Denial **

_When I wake up in the morning, I'm empty and light-headed. I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet make traveling easy._

I woke up in a strange bed. My whole body felt unbelievably weak and the sun shining through the curtain was starting to bother my eyes. In a desperate attempt I try to pull myself up so I can observe this unfamiliar surrounding but I failed miserably.

After numerous attempts I finally succeeded and realized that I was in a very tidy room. I made a mental note of a very full bookshelf, a violin, music notes and …..

"Morning, Atobe."

My thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice and reluctantly I turned my head around. I was surprised to see Oshitari standing by the door with a tray of food. I frowned at the sight of the food. The thing that bothered me the most about the food wasn't the image, it was the smell. The smell of food nauseates me.

I stared at Oshitari for few second before I realized that he was not going to offer me any explanation so I asked, "Where am I?"

I was grateful that Oshitari noticed my uncomfortable reaction toward the food because he made a point to place the tray in the far corner away from me. I was overwhelm with an uncomfortable feeling as I watched Oshitari slowly walk over to the bedside and said, "You are in my room and therefore you are in my bed."

"Oshitari, why would I be in your bed?" I asked in an outrage tone.

"Atobe, do you remembered anything that happened?" Asked Oshitari in a suspicious tone.

My mind was still in a state of confusion so I told Oshitari what I could recall, "I remembered I was going to run at the park for a change but then … the rest was all a blur to me."

Oshitari had a frown on his face before he replied, "Yesterday, I was walking pass by the park near your house when I saw you on the ground. Since we both attended the same school, I couldn't just leave you lying there so I took you to the hospital."

My heart sank and my emotions run wild while I analyzed Oshitari's words, "The hospital? Why didn't you just call one of my servants to pick me up?"

Oshitari remained calm and said, "I thought a hospital would be a fitting place for a sick person. However, nothing could have prepared me for the real reason why the great Ore-sama had passed out. I am sure you can imagine my surprised when I found out that the great Ore-sama had passed out because he was on the verge of starvation. Atobe, I believe you owe me some explanations."

My whole body felt still. All these years of living a lie had taught me to be prepared for various scenarios in case someone found out about my secret but nothing could have prepared me for this. The thought that a complete stranger like Oshitari Yuushi would become the first person to expose my secret out in the open had never occurred in my mind.

I felt frustrated and anger started to boil over. I don't know if I realized what I was doing but my rant soon turned into screams, "Oshitari, why are you asking me questions that you already know the answer to? So what if I want to starve myself? What if I want to push my body to the limit? What is it to you? I know what I am doing."

_Slap _

"Atobe, can you even hear yourself talk anymore? Do you have any idea how ridicules you sound right now? Do you have any idea how many people wish they can have a fraction of what you have? Everyone in Hyotei worships you like a god. Girls want you and guys wish they were you. What is wrong with you?" Asked Oshitari quietly.

I don't know why but there was something in the air that made me let my guard down. My shoulder started to slouch and I fall back in the bed.

_Weak and lifeless _

_Vulnerable and exposed _

_Tears started to roll down my eyes and I felt vulnerable _

I pretend to push back my hair when in reality I was wiping away my tears, "Oshitari, I am grateful for your help, but I think the best thing to do for both of us to simply forget what happened yesterday."

"What if I say no?" Asked Oshitari calmly.

I admit I thought Oshitari was going to go along with my plan. I admit I wasn't expecting his answer.

"No?"

Oshitari leaned over and whispered in my ear, "I wonder how the students at Hyotei School would react if they found out that their God was nothing but a lie. The great Ore-sama was nothing but a weakling who is afraid of food."

In a spiteful tone I asked, "Oshitari, what do you want?"

"Atobe, I will keep your secret under one condition." Replied Oshitari.

If he wants to strike a deal with me then I will let him, "What is it?"

"My parents are coming home next week and I was hoping to avoid them." Started Oshitari.

His condition sound reasonable enough or at least that is what I thought at first, "If you need a place to stay, it is fine with me."

Oshitari suddenly smiled before saying, "Atobe, I am not finished yet. My condition is very simple, I will keep your secret if you let me move into your mansion as your _boyfriend_."

I stared at Oshitari in hope that he was kidding but his facial expression told me other wise, finally I said, "Oshitari, that is blackmailing."

"I know and that is my final offer. Atobe, it is up to you if you want to accept my offer or reject it. However, I can't guaranteed what will happen if you refused my offer. I think 24 hours is more than enough time for you to think over my proposal." Replied Oshitari as he walked out the door.

"Oh and one more thing, I want to see this plate of food vanished when I returned."

This can't be happening. My whole world is turning upside down in a matter of day. I want to close my eyes and hope in vain that when I open them again I will be in my own bed.

When I open my eyes again I will be in the safety of my bed and nothing had changed.

* * *

On the other side of the door, Oshitari was sitting on the floor.

_Why is it that hate came out so easily and yet love gets trapped inside? We hate what we fear the most. Why do you hate yourself so much Atobe Keigo? _

_I had hated you in the past. However, before I realized what had happened, the same hate had turned into an obsession. For years, I had been infatuated with you. No matter how long or how hard I ponder over this question, I still can't figure out why Atobe Keigo continues to intrigue me to no end. _

_Maybe it was just simple curiosity on my part_

_Or maybe it was ... no it couldn't be _

_Could it was love? _

* * *

TBC …

Chapter 8: Bait


	8. Bait

Title: My deadly Sin

Pairing: Atobe & Oshitari

Genre: Angst/Romance

Disclaimer: Prince of tennis does not belong to me

Warning: This story is primarily focus on eating disorder and its symptoms.

A.N. Thank you for R & R and I am glad that last chapter caught everyone by surprised. LoL after all there is nothing worst than writing a predicable story. Anyway, I hope chapter 8 live up to your expectation and I need to switch from angst to humor mode soon and update another story. Note to self, don't started too many projects at once --

* * *

**My deadly Sin **

**Chapter 8: Bait **

**(Oshitari's pov)**

_To really know someone is to have loved and hated him in turn._

…

I don't know what had possessed me to make such an outrage demand at Atobe but once the words were spoken I decided that I didn't want to take them back. When I took Atobe home with me selfishly I had chosen to put him in my bedroom instead of the guest room. I was startled to see Atobe looking so unbelievably fragile up close. I had spent the whole night watching Atobe and listening to him breathing. I was so scared that he was going to pass away.

Whenever I recalled how light Atobe felt I started to imagine the worst. My mind was plagued by such morbid thoughts because I feel like Atobe was going to slip away in front of my very eyes. I know Atobe would never remember this but we spent the night together because I was afraid to let Atobe out of my sight.

_The body, so fragile and light had scared me._

During the night, Atobe was shivering and his whole body felt ice cold. At that moment I remembered what fear felt like again. I decided to slip beneath the blanket and held Atobe close to me so I can provide him the warm that his body needed. His angelic face looked so trouble and I couldn't help but traced my finger tips over his frown lines.

I fell in love with the sensation of having Atobe Keigo in my arm. I didn't sleep a wink but I was content. Yes, I was content just lying there watching the sky change from night to morning because he was there. The object of my obsession was there but for all the wrong reasons.

_A penny for your thought_

I always hated that expression because a human thought should be worth more than a mere penny. I know I was taking the surface meaning, but in this case I wish it was true. I know I would have given anything and gladly pay any price to know what Atobe Keigo had been thinking.

What could have possessed him to make such rash decision?

_Starvation _

_A form of self denial_

_A form of self torture_

_A form of self cleansing_

At least that is what _he_ had always told me.

I don't think I will ever understand Atobe Keigo. In my eyes, Atobe will always be the very symbol of perfection and yet he was still walking foolishly down the road to self destruction.

Why?

I felt slightly sick in the stomach knowing that I had sink as low as blackmailing Atobe. Still, I know that I would have done anything if it means keeping Atobe safe and away from harm even if he was the one inflicting pain on himself.

Twenty-four hours is up. The answer was obvious. I know Atobe would agree to my terms because having the whole world know about his secret would be a fate worst than death to him. People like Atobe Keigo can endure physical death but being rejected by his own social class was something that Atobe can never survived through.

I know because I had been there.

_An outcast_

I was ignored and I was taunted because I was different. I was different from their race of perfection. I was different from their army of plastic perfection. It seemed ironic that I fell in love with one of them for the second time.

I was dreading coming back to this place but meeting Atobe Keigo again made it all seem worth it. Meeting him and ….

"Oshitari, I need to talk to you."

I try to hide my smile while I turned around and said, "Atobe, I hope the last twenty four hours had been as pleasant for you as it had been for me."

"Yes, it had been very enlightened." Replied Atobe with his teeth clinched.

I smiled at Atobe before asking the obvious, "And your answer is?"

"You can move in and stay at my house for as long as you want." Replied Atobe as he walked pass by me.

My obnoxious smile was plastered on my face but deep down I felt confused. I should be ecstatic that everything was going according to my plan but I don't like the feeling of being hated, especially by him.

I glanced up and noticed that the last bell had ring. School was over and I should start moving my things to Atobe's mansion. Everything was going as planned, my parents had believed in my lies and I will be staying at Atobe's mansion.

Parents can be so easily manipulated. My father was concern when I first told him that I will be moving in to my friend's house for a school project but he completely change his opinion when I causally mentioned that the friend was Atobe Keigo. Yes, Atobe Keigo, the son and sole heir to Atobe Corporation. I knew my father had wanted to have some business interaction with Atobe Corporation for a long time so after that my father was more than willing to let me move in with Atobe Keigo.

The reason doesn't even have to believable but we all know how much parents really care. My mother was too busy to socialize with other trophy wives to care about my whereabouts and my father just wanted to use me as a tool to get close to Atobe Corporation.

I wonder if that was how Atobe felt like.

Alone, numb and used

Yes, we were all tool born to be used. We have our roles that we were destined to fill.

Duties and responsibilities

But along the way we lost a sense of ourselves. I thought I was going to be lost forever till he found me. When I moved to United State I was alone but I was found.

_Mukahi Gakuto_

Gakuto was my best friend and the only person who ever cared about me. He was the only one who stood by my side while I was staying in the foreign land. In a foreign place without a friend, I was lost. In a foreign place unable to communicate with others, I was scared. Yet, Gakuto found me among the crowd.

_Flashback_

"_Your name is Oshitari Yuushi right?"_

"_Yeah, what is it to you?" Asked Oshitari while he eyed the smaller figure in front of him. _

"_My name is Mukahi Gakuto but everyone just called me Gakuto." Replied Gakuto. _

"…"

_Gakuto grinned and said, "I like your eyes. They are telling me that you don't like me and that you don't trust me."_

"_Get away from me." Stated Oshitari angrily as he pushed Gakuto out of his way. _

"_Oshitari, I will help you survive at this school but in return I want you to protect me." Interrupted Gakuto. _

"_What?" Asked Oshitari as he started at Gakuto suspiciously. _

_Gakuto grinned and said, "I want you to protect me and in return I will help you survive the school year."_

"_I heard you the first time." Replied Oshitari angrily._

_Gakuto continued to smile and took Oshitari's hand and said, "Well then what are we waiting for, I am going to start by giving you a tour of this hell on earth." _

…

_End Flashback _

"Master Oshitari, we are here." Announced the driver.

My thoughts were interrupted and for a second I forget what I was thinking. I took out my glasses and was going to put them on when I noticed that my visions were blurred.

My visions were blurred because my eyes were watery.

Tears.

Did I think about _him_ again during the ride over?

They are so alike in so many ways.

_The same bossy presence_

_The same obnoxious attitude_

_The same smile that puzzles me_

_Yet they are different. _

Atobe, I am not going to let you slip by me like Gakuto did. I can't go through that again.

_Ding_

_Dong_

"Welcome Master Oshitari. I will notify the young Master that you are here." Announced one of the servants.

I nodded and told me driver to drop off my luggage and drive back to my house.

I was observing the mansion when I saw Atobe walking down the stairs, "Oshitari, you are here."

I smiled and walk over and said, "Keigo, I thought we agree to call each other by our first name."

Atobe glared at me.

I leaned over and whispered in his ears, "It would be strange for someone to call his boyfriend by the family name, right Keigo?"

"Yuushi, I am glad you made it here in one piece." Replied Atobe with a fake smile on.

I laughed and said, "Keigo, why don't we started by having a tour of your mansion."

Atobe looked annoyed but reluctantly he gave in and said, "Follow me."

I smiled when I noticed the shocked expression on his servants' faces. The stage was set and Atobe had taken my bait.

TBC

Hint: The title for next chapter is_ "The Past" _–will reveal more about Gakuto


	9. The Past

Title: My deadly Sin

Pairing: Atobe & Oshitari

Genre: Angst/Romance

Disclaimer: Prince of tennis does not belong to me

Warning: This story is primarily focus on eating disorder and its symptoms.

A.N. I just want to point this out again in case anyone missed it. In chapter 3, I meant to type Ootori and not Gakuto. So the content stayed the same in chapter 3 except I change my typo. This chapter will have both Atobe and Oshitari pov. –sigh- I try to stay away from multiple povs because I once went overboard and wrote an entire fiction using 4 povs. Yes, I should really delete that story but I kept the story for the nice reviews.

I love reviews so keep them coming and special thanks to **Daisy** for volunteer to beta this story from now on.

* * *

**My deadly Sin **

**Chapter 9: The Past **

_The destruction of the past is perhaps the greatest crime of all. _

_(Simone Weil 1910-1943)_

…

**Atobe's pov**

It had been a week since Yuushi moved in, no I meant Oshitari. I don't like the sound of Oshitari's name on my lips, and I really do hate having his name constantly popping up in my head.

I was prepared for more outrageous demands but Oshitari proved to be the perfect house guest. The servants seemed to adore Oshitari and had already started to treat him like he had always been here. Nonetheless, I still think everyone was all fooled by his charming looks and mesmerizing voice.

But that is not the worst thing that had happened; the absolute worst thing was the rumors and gossips that I had been hearing around the mansion.

"_Master Keigo seems more energetic now that Master Yuushi moved in."_

"_Hey, why aren't you calling Master Oshitari by his family name?"_

"_Well Master Yuushi told us that we can call him by his first name. He is such a nice guy. I am so happy that Master Keigo found such a caring boyfriend."_

"_Yes, at first I was upset that Master Keigo had brought home a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend, but now I couldn't be happier. After seeing the two together, I am convinced that they are perfect for each other."_

"_Me too."_

I can't stand hearing those lies over and over again. I had never been so angry at anyone before. Oshitari Yuushi was like a plague. For god's sake, Oshitari had become my second shadow. I swear he is everywhere and …

"Keigo, time for breakfast." Announced Oshitari as he walked through the door.

Speak of the devil; I was glaring at Oshitari and his tray of food. Normally, I would feel sick and repulsed at the sight and smell of food, but right now I am too angry to think straight. My mind and senses are overwhelmed with hate towards Oshitari Yuushi.

I closed my eyes and open them again.

Damn it, he is still here and doesn't appear to be leaving anytime soon, so I finally give in and answered, "I don't believe in breakfast."

Oshitari smiled causally and said, "Keigo, we are not having this discussion again."

I gave up. "Fine, I will take an apple and a cup of water."

"… and a piece of toast and that is the end of our discussion." Interrupted Oshitari.

I watched Oshitari as he ate a piece of toast covered with strawberry jam, an egg sunny side up, two pieces of bacon, and a cup of orange juice. The nauseating feeling was resurfacing again. I put down my toast after two bites and suddenly felt very sick and full.

I hate it. I hate how Oshitari was always forcing food down my throat, and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it. I know that Oshitari was forcing me to eat just so he can watch me suffer.

Oshitari was staring at me when he suddenly said, "That is enough for today. We should both get going soon."

The drive to school was peaceful, but it did nothing to my calm my anger down. Finally, right before I got out of the limo, I snapped at Oshitari and said, "I hate you."

Oshitari walked quietly past by me and said, "Sadly, I don't."

That night I felt guilty, and normally I would have avoided Oshitari at all costs but the guilt was bothering me. Before I realized what had happened I was standing in front of the door that separated Yuushi from me.

_Yuushi._

I guess it wasn't such an awful name after all. I don't know why I was waiting like a love-struck girl outside of Yuushi's bedroom, but I was feeling guilty all day because of that one comment.

"_I hate you."_

I turn the door knob slowly and was surprised to know that Yuushi had left his door unlocked. From the tiny glimpse of light, I can see that Yuushi was already in bed.

_Blue_

His hair looks amazingly blue under the moonlight. Yuushi really does look stunning. For the first time in days, I felt something other than anger at the sight of Yuushi.

His face looked troubled, and I had this urge to brush his frown away.

"Gakuto, don't leave me. Please don't leave me all alone. I love you." Whispered Oshitari.

My heart stopped. I took my hand back and walked slowly back to my own room.

Who is Gakuto?

The person that Yuushi, no Oshitari loves is Gakuto. Then why am I here? Why is he here? Is this all just a game to him?

What if I was just a replacement?

A replacement for someone named Gakuto?

I want to laugh but I can't. It seemed fitting that the great Atobe Keigo was nothing but a mere replacement. Why was I surprised? I should be used to getting used by others. That night I went to bed feeling cold and numb like in the old days. The anger had faded and I found myself restoring back to my old self. The person that I was before Oshitari interrupted my peaceful life.

…

**Oshitari's pov **

_Flashback_

"_Protected you? Why do you need protection?" Asked Oshitari suspiciously. _

_Gakuto looked at Oshitari angrily before replying, "Because looking like a girl in an all boy's school is just asking for trouble." _

_Oshitari took a long look at Gakuto and realized that he was right. Gakuto looked like a little princess. _

_Small, fragile and beautiful_

"_Why me? I am sure you can ask other guys to look after you." Asked Oshitari curiously. _

_Gakuto smiled and said, "I already told you, I like the way you look at me. Your eyes look different than their eyes. I hate their leering eyes. It is gross and disgusting." _

…

_End flashback_

I woke up alone in my bed and slowly I walk towards my desk. Inside the desk lies my most prized possession.

An old black and white photo of Gakuto and me; I traced my finger tips over Gakuto's frame and smiled. In my eyes Gakuto always looked beautiful, especially when he was angry. Gakuto's eyes seemed so much more alive when he was angry. I remembered Gakuto always insisted on taking black and white photos because he was sick and tired of his flaming hair.

It wasn't until later when I finally found out why Gakuto hated his appearance so much. More importantly, I found out why Gakuto loathed his flaming hair—the bright red hair that I had always adored.

In the looks department, Gakuto had completely taken after his mother. If Gakuto was a girl, he would be the spitting image of his mother. The same woman who left Gakuto and his father before Gakuto can even talk.

Knock

Knock

My thoughts were interrupted as I glanced at the door, "Come in."

I was surprised to see one of Atobe's most trusted servants, Toru-san, standing in front of me.

"Excuse me Master Yuushi, I have come to tell you that Master Keigo is feeling ill this morning and he wanted me to notify you to go on ahead without him." Stated Toru.

"What is wrong with Keigo?" I asked.

"I don't know the exact details but Master Keigo told us not to call the doctor and that he will be fine after he gets some rest." Replied Toru.

I was feeling rather uneasy so I said, "Then I want to stop by and see what is wrong with Keigo before I leave."

"I am sorry, but Master Keigo insisted that no one disturb him not even you Master Yuushi." Commented Toru firmly.

"Did Keigo really say all that?" I asked suspiciously.

"Yes, I am sure Master Keigo will be fine once you get back from school today. We will make sure that Master Keigo gets his medicine and meals before you get home today." Answered Toru respectfully.

I nodded before saying, "Thank you Toru-san, and here is my cell phone number. Please don't hesitate to call if anything happens to Keigo before I get home."

Toru took my number and said, "I understand Master Yuushi."

Before I can react, Toru took my hand and said, "Master Yuushi, I've been meaning to say thank you for a while now. I am really happy that Master Keigo found you. I've never seen Master Keigo act so alive since you moved in. I want you to know that he is really just a good kid deep down. Master Keigo's parents were never around and no one ever taught the younger Master how to show love, so please excuse any of Master Keigo's childish behaviors."

I smiled at Toru's kind words and said, "I will, and thank you, Toru-san, for taking care of Keigo all these years."

The uneasy feeling never left me while I ate my breakfast in peace. I am surprised that in the last few days I had already gotten so used to Keigo's presence. The room suddenly seemed so lonely and empty without Keigo and his spiteful comments.

I know Keigo was lying about his sudden illness, but there must be something else that is causing him to avoid me at such great lengths. But what could be so important that would cause hium to ignore my hold over his secret? What could be so important that Keigo would send Toru-san to make sure that I don't question him in person?

Maybe I am thinking too much again. What if Keigo just wanted some time alone? This uncomfortable feeling won't leave me.

Is Keigo avoiding me for another reason?

Did I do something unconsciously?

But that is impossible.

* * *

TBC …

Chapter 10 Misunderstanding


	10. Misunderstanding

Title: My deadly Sin

Pairing: Atobe & Oshitari

Genre: Angst/Romance

Disclaimer: Prince of tennis does not belong to me

Warning: This story is primarily focus on eating disorder and its symptoms.

A.N. Experiencing major writer's block with all three of my stories and so I pray that this chapter makes sense and didn't confuse anyone. I am okay with the way I end it this chapter, but I could be wrong. Beta by Daisy. Please R & R.

* * *

**My deadly Sin **

**Chapter 10: Misunderstanding **

_Nothing _

_Nothing is wrong, and asking is against the rules. Crying is against the rules. You're strong, don't let them break you. They're trying to destroy you._

…

After hours of convincing Toru-san of needing to see Atobe immediately, Oshitari was finally in Atobe's room. He walked over to Atobe's bed and quietly whispered, "Keigo, wake up."

Oshitari stared at Atobe's fragile frame and thought, _"Why is it that you only let me get close to you when you're unconscious?" _

Atobe slowly started to stir a little in his bed before saying,_ "_Why are you here? I thought I specifically stated that I don't want anyone interrupting me."

"Keigo, how are you feeling?" Oshitari asked, ignoring Atobe's question completely.

"Why are you here? I specifically ordered Toru to forbid you from entering my room." Atobe demanded again.

"Apparently, Toru-san thought that it was best for me to come and see what's wrong with his spoiled master, rather then listening to a child's whining." Replied Oshitari coldly.

Atobe started to feel uneasy under Oshitari's gaze and choose to look away before answering, "I'm fine. I just didn't feel like going to school today."

"You call this fine?" Asked Oshitari as he grabbed Atobe's cold hand.

"Why couldn't you just leave me alone?" Whispered Atobe slowly as he fell back into his bed.

"Is that what you really want? To be alone?" Asked Oshitari.

Atobe smiled sadly and thought, _"Alone. Completely alone, like I'd always been." _

"Yes, I wish you never walked into my life. I wish you were gone." Stated Atobe.

A sad smile appeared on Oshitari's face before he answered, "Atobe Keigo, your wish had just been granted. I will move out of your house as soon as possible."

After Atobe was certain that Oshitari had left, he let himself open his eyes and thought, _"Don't give me hope if you're just going to take it away."_

True to his words, Oshitari had packed his belongs and left Atobe's mansion that very night. He never thought that saying goodbye to Atobe's servants would be so difficult. During his short stay, he had gotten to know the servants pretty well, and nothing could have prepared him for the look of hopelessness in Toru-san's eyes.

"_Does Toru-san know something that I don't know?" _Thought Oshitari as he walked out of Atobe's front door.

It had been exactly one week since Oshitari moved back to his house, and everything felt the same. School was still boring and he still couldn't stand the people at Hyotei. Yet, one thing changed. The person that he couldn't get out of his head had been missing from Hyotei.

Atobe Keigo.

Atobe hadn't gone to school for a week, and no one knew what was going on with him. Oshitari asked Coach Sakaki and was told that Atobe had private matters to attend to. He had asked Shishido and everyone he could have think of, but no one seemed to know where Atobe disappeared to.

The sky turned gray. The clouds vanished and it started pouring again. The rain just wouldn't go away. Oshitari was lying on the grass playing the same scene over in his head again and again.

_Flashback_

_Gakuto smiled sadly and whispered, "I don't want to be ignored anymore. I don't want to be invisible anymore; but I don't know how. I forgot how it felt to live. I forgot how it felt to have something to look forward to."_

"_Gakuto, what are you talking about? I'll never ignore you. I'm never going to leave you alone." Oshitari commented as he held Gakuto closer to him. _

"_Yuushi, what would you do if a wall had no door?" Asked Gakuto quietly._

_Oshitari frowned at Gakuto's tone before answering, "Gakuto, I would tear the wall down and make a door."_

_End Flashback_

Oshitari opened my eyes and thought, _"Why didn't I think of that?" _

"I'm going to find out what happened to Keigo."

…

The next day Oshitari was standing outside of Atobe's door with a look of hesitation. Finally, the door opened and Oshitari was face to face with Toru-san.

"Toru-san…"

"Oshitari-kun, the young master will not be seeing any visitors for a long time." Commented Toru-san.

The feeling that something had happened to Atobe continued to grow stronger with each passing second. Finally, Oshitari gave in to his urges before saying, "Please, I just need to talk to Keigo for a minute. I promise I'll let Keigo get his rest. Just let me see that he's all right."

Maybe it was the look of pure desperation on Oshitari's face, but for whatever the reason Toru-san decided to take pity on Oshitari.

"Oshitari-kun, the young master will not be returning to school anytime soon. In fact, we don't know when he will be back to his normal self." Answered Toru-san sadly as he start to close the front door.

"Toru-san ….."

"I'm sorry Oshitari-kun. I've already said too much, but I really wish you stayed. I thought you were going to help the young master. The young master had suffered for so long, and I begged you not to toy with Master Keigo's fragile mind any longer." Commented Toru-san as he walked back into the mansion.

"…"

The second Toru-san had closed the door, Oshitari started to feel his anger boil over. He was angry and he was frustrated.

It was his fault. He shouldn't have been so childish. He should've stayed despite Atobe's hurtful words. He shouldn't have let Atobe out of his sight.

"_When will I learn? I can't let the same thing happened to Keigo. I'll protect Keigo like I promised. I will never break another promise like I did to Gakuto. I will keep Keigo safe. Please be safe. Why must everyone I care about end up leaving me?" _Oshitari thought desperately as he continued to walk in the rain.

_Di_

_Da_

_Di_

_Da_

_The rain continues to pour louder._

_The sky continues to cry harder._

_With each passing step my mind grows wearily. _

TBC

Chapter 11: Memory


	11. Memory

Title: My deadly Sin

Pairing: Atobe & Oshitari

Genre: Angst/Romance

Disclaimer: Prince of tennis does not belong to me and Song lyric belongs to Within Temptation. You should listen to it; it is a really beautiful song. So in short I own nothing except for this story and its content.

Warning: This story is primarily focus on eating disorder and its symptoms.

A.N. Here is an early update which is kind of weird because I am still battling the hateful writer's blocks. LoL but somehow I think it will be okay. I have a conclusion in mind and now I need a way of making it to there. As always thank you for R & R. Beta by Daisy.

* * *

**My deadly Sin **

**Chapter 11: Memory**

_Memories, memories, memories _

In this world you tried  
Not leaving me alone behind  
There's no other way  
I'll pray to the gods let him stay  
The memories ease the pain inside  
Now I know why

Why won't the vicious cycle stopped? I feel so much anger bottling inside me; threatening to overtake my senses. I want to scream to the mighty gods and ask why they're doing this to me. Isn't it enough that I lost Gakuto? Must you take Keigo away from me too? Maybe I am meant to be alone. Maybe happiness was simply too much for someone like me.

_All of my memories keep you near  
In silent moments  
Imagine you'd be here  
All of my memories keep you near  
Your silent whispers, silent tears  
_

Gakuto, please look after Keigo for me. I can't lose him too. I already lost you; I can't afford to lose him too. I need him to be well. I need him to get better. I want to help him so badly, like I had wanted to help you. Utterly useless, I feel so useless. I wish there was something that I could have done to help him. I wish there was something that I could have done to help you.

A sign

A glimpse of hope

Anything … please just gives me a clue as to what I need to do.

"Oshitari-kun."

My vision was blurred by the rain drops… or maybe my vision was blurred by my own tears. Slowly, I was able to make out the figure in front of me as Kenji-san, Keigo's driver.

Keigo's driver?

The realization finally hit me that he might know where Keigo is. I ran over to Kenji-san and asked, "Where is Keigo?"

"Oshitari-kun, I suggested that we talk in a more private area." Answered Kenji in a calm manner.

Without any hesitation I followed him to a café.

Kenji order two cups of oolong tea before saying, "Oshitari-kun, I had overheard your conversation with Toru-san."

I pushed the hot tea out of my eyesight and asked, "Do you know where Keigo is?"

"Yes, I know where Master Keigo is. I admit I didn't completely trust your intention toward Master Keigo in the beginning but I believe you might be able to help Master Keigo in his current condition. My name is Kenji and I have been Master Keigo's personal driver since he was a mere child. Despite the young master's attitude, we all love the young Master, but it still wasn't enough to overcome his need for his parents' affection or rather lack of it." Replied Kenji sadly.

"What do you mean?"

"No one knows the truth depth of the pain that Master Keigo had lived with for all these years except for the servants that had served in Atobe mansion for decades. Everything that happened with Master Keigo's parents had been a business decision. His father needed an heir and his mother needed a title. How can his parents care for a child that they created when they don't feel anything for each other?" Commented Kenji.

I could feel my anger grow but I force myself to listen on.

Kenji smiled before he continued on, "The young master was such a bright child. He tries to do everything so perfectly because he thought that would get him some of his parents' affection and attention. But they didn't care at all. Master Keigo never cried as a child and would always entertain himself with books. It makes our heart ache when we see our young Master torture himself like that for years."

"What do you mean torture?"

Kenji started staring at the raindrops before saying, "Master Keigo had tortured himself mentally for years. When he was seven years old, the young master asked his nanny why his parents never want to talk to him or why his mother hated him. The nanny was helpless and she didn't know what to do, so she told him the first thing that came to her mind. The nanny told Master Keigo that only a perfect child deserved their parents' love and that he will have his parents' love once he was perfect."

I felt shocked beyond belief and asked, "Why didn't anyone help Keigo?"

The helpless stare from Kenji-san made me realized that I had crossed my line again. I seem to be losing my control whenever it came to Keigo.

"I am sorry Kenji-san."

"Master Oshitari, we blamed ourselves for years as we watched our young master change, but what could we do? We don't have any right to interfere in the young Master's private life." Replied Kenji sadly.

"What else happened to Keigo when he was little?" I asked as I felt my heart grow colder.

"We couldn't all blame the nanny for Master Keigo's personality. The truth was Master Keigo had started this change when he was only five years old. I remembered it was on Master Keigo's first day of pre-school when it happened. The young master came home and asked his mother why she never came to pick him up. I saw tears swelling up in Master Keigo's eyes when his mother told him that she had better things to do, and that picking him up was the driver's job and not hers." Commented Kenji angrily.

_  
Made me promise I'd try  
To find my way back in this life.  
I hope there is a way  
To give me a sign you're okay.  
Reminds me again it's worth it all  
So I can go home._

"Better things than picking up her own child on his first day of school? Better things to do than breaking a promise to her five year old son?"

"Yes, young master was very excited that day because his mother had promised to pick him up from his first day of school, but at last minute she ended up going on an emergency shopping date for her dinner party that night." Answered Kenji angrily.

"What happened to Keigo?"

"The young master waited at the park near his school. Later I found out that the young Master sat on the swing for hours waiting for his mother. Master Keigo refused to get in the limo and told me that his mother would come for him. I waited with the young Master till nightfall, and when we arrived home that night I saw Master Keigo's eyes change." Commented Kenji.

_  
All of my memories keep you near.  
In silent moments  
Imagine you'd be here.  
All of my memories keep you near  
Your silent whispers, silent tears._

"Change?"

"Yes, Master Keigo seemed to grow up over night, and after that I couldn't find any trace of childlike quality in the young master's eyes anymore." Stated Kenji.

"Where is Keigo now?"

"Master Keigo is in a very private treatment institution. His parents didn't want any unwanted rumors to spread about the young Master because they feared that it would ruin their reputation. No one must know that Master Keigo attempted suicide." Replied Kenji.

"Suicide?"

"Yes, here is the address. Master Oshitari, I decided to seek you because I hoped that seeing you again would bring Master Keigo back to reality. Back to being the young Master that we had all come to love. It breaks this old man's heart to see such precious child so keen on destroying his own life." Pleaded Kenji.

Together in all these memories  
I see your smile.  
All the memories I hold dear.  
You know I'll love you till the end of time.

All of my memories keep you near.  
In silent moments,  
Imagine you'd be here.  
All of my memories keep you near,  
Your silent whispers, silent tears.

All of my memories...

"Kenji-san, I promise I will bring Keigo back to you guys. I will bring back the Keigo that we all had come to love and cherish."

…

TBC

The mystery behind Gakuto's past will be fully or almost fully revealed in the next chapter when I get to it.

**First time I am inserting a preview to the next chapter:**

**Chapter 12: Regret**

There are things in life that once you lose them, you will never be able to regain them again. I have caused the people around me to have many painful memories. I have hurt them. I am at fault. It must have been painful for you to lose the one that you loved. It must have been lonely for you to watch the one you love fade away and feel helpless.

For that I am sorry.

I am sorry that you had to watch Gakuto pass away.

I am so very, very sorry.

_She paints a perfect picture_

_She tells a flawless lie _

_She sings a song of beauty_

_A haunting lullaby..._


	12. Regret & epilogue

Title: My deadly Sin

Pairing: Atobe & Oshitari

Genre: Angst/Romance

Disclaimer: Prince of tennis does not belong to me.

Warning: This story is primarily focus on eating disorder and its symptoms.

A.N. **LAST CHAPTER !!!** I decided to include the epilogue along with this last chapter so I won't leave you guys hanging at the end. Beta by Daisy.

* * *

**My deadly Sin**

**Chapter 12: Regret**

_They always say that they're concerned about me, about me health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force-feed me with lies, with what they call love. Like prisoners everywhere, all I have left is the power to refuse._

"Atobe-kun, how are you feeling today?"

I glanced over at the nurse with a name that I couldn't recall and smiled. I don't want to talk anymore. Words had finally lost all of its meaning to me. I haven't spoken a single word since I had been here. This place was so painfully peaceful and quiet that I had forgotten what noise felt or sounded like.

_Suicide._

I smiled weakly when I recalled the sensation of the blade. I didn't plan it. I didn't expect it to happen. I was lying in my bathtub and then something shiny caught my eye. Maybe it was a sign; I took it as a sign from god to help me stop this vicious cycle once for all.

Without any facial expression…

Without any knowledge of my action…

I walked towards the sink…

I walked toward the shining blade…

…

_Di_

_Da_

_Di_

_Da_

…

I could hear the dripping of the water droplets from my cold, wet body as I trailed myself back toward the bathtub holding the icy cold blade in my hand.

I placed a gentle kiss on the blade and closed my eyes.

Nothing.

I felt nothing.

Tears came down my cheeks when I realized that I couldn't feel any sensation. Why couldn't I feel the pain that I was inflicting on myself? I pressed harder. I pressed deeper.

Still nothing.

My body felt so cold and numb.

But I couldn't feel any pain at the time.

I lifted my hand above the bathtub and watched as my own blood slowly contaminated the purified water. I watched closely as my own blood turned the pool of clear water into a pool of bloody water.

Drop by drop.

My blood was making its way in to water.

Little by little, the water became red and dark. My last thought before I entered the eternal darkness was, _"Would Yuushi cry for me like he did for Gakuto?" _

So I finally stooped to this, so weak and pitiful that I wanted to end my life. I stared at the plate of food and mindlessly picked up pieces of grapefruit and put it in my mouth.

_Sour._

_Bitter._

I was ordered to finish at least one quarter of everything on the plate. Everything was carefully proportioned, picked and made with the best ingredients, but learning to eat still bothers me.

Learning to live.

Learning to forget.

Learning to admit that I have problem.

Three hours later, I left the room after I finished exactly the required amount of food. In the middle of nowhere I found myself thinking about Mukahi Gakuto.

Gakuto, the man that Yuushi loved. The investigator that I hired was able to compile a very thorough report on him. He was everything that I wasn't.

Gakuto would have been my age if that incident hadn't happened. It was easy to understand why Gakuto was such an important part of Yuushi's life. They would have been so happy together if he had never tried to find his mother.

The summer before Yuushi moved back to Japan, Yuushi promised Gakuto that they would find his mother together. Gakuto did find his mother, and maybe it was better if they didn't. From the first glance, both Gakuto and Yuushi knew that the woman in the hospital bed was Gakuto's mother. There was no denying it; Gakuto was the splitting image of his mother, like his dad had always said.

Unfortunately, when they found Gakuto's mother, she was on the verge of death and in need of a bone-marrow transparent. I was stunned when the selfish woman begged Gakuto to help her, knowing the dangers of the procedure.

Yuushi was frustrated and angry that such selfish mother existed. Yet, Yuushi also knew that there was nothing that he could do that would change Gakuto's mind. Gakuto told Yuushi that he would be back in one piece and that he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he had left his mother to die.

He fought to live because Yuushi was waiting for him, but sometimes that is not enough. The procedure was successful but Gakuto's frail body couldn't take the surgery and wasn't able to recover. I know Gakuto must have fought very hard to live… but why did I live? Ironically, I lived when I know that no one was waiting for me. Maybe god was a sadist at heart.

Gakuto, so full of energy and life even till the last ounce of it was sucked out of him. He was someone that I could never become or dream of becoming.

Why?

Simply because I never grasped the concept of living.

"Welcome Atobe-kun, we have some fresh art supplies at your request." Commented a nurse.

I nodded and took my seat near the window. What is the real concept of living? I am so tired of fighting this losing battle. Mindlessly, I picked up my paintbrush and stared at the empty canvas in front of me.

In my head, I saw an annoying smirk and I smiled.

A splash of paint.

A splash of color on a blank canvas.

A splash of life that I had always craved.

_She paints a perfect picture_

_She tells a flawless lie_

_She sings a song of beauty_

_A haunting lullaby..._

Meanwhile, Oshitari was staring at Atobe from the outside silently as he talked to one of the nurses.

"It is so sad seeing Atobe-kun like that." Commented one of the nurses.

Not taking his eyes off Atobe, Oshitari asked, "How is Atobe Keigo doing so far?"

"I am sorry but that information is purely confidential and we cannot discuss any of this with you." Stated the nurse.

"I am here at the request of Master Keigo's parents. I think everything will be cleared up once you read this letter from Master Atobe." Replied Oshitari politely.

Meanwhile Oshitari was thinking, _"I could feel my palms sweating, but I need to hold myself together and go through with the plan that Kenji-san had come up with for me."_

Oshitari remained still till the nurse gave him a comforting smiled and said, "It is nice to know that Atobe-kun's parents care so much. Atobe-kun hasn't spoken a single word since he first arrived here. Instead he chooses to communicate with others by a pad and a pen. I hope you can stop by more often because the only thing that he ever wanted was warmth."

Oshitari nodded and walked into the room where Atobe was sitting. From the back, Oshitari was stunned by how fragile Atobe had become. In the pale white hospital attire, Atobe look so pure and out of this world. Slowly, Oshitari walked closer and embraced him from the back.

_Warmth._

Oshitari felt warmth in his arms and tears started swelling up in his eyes. Oshitari thought, _"I don't know what I would have done if Keigo had left me too."_

"Yuushi?" Whispered Atobe in a hoarse voice.

Oshitari's heart ached when he remembered that the nurse had told him that Atobe hadn't spoken since he had first arrived here. Oshitari glanced at Atobe's canvas and felt relief for the first time in ages.

_Colors._

I finally walked out of my own world made up of black and white.

I finally embraced color into my life and found a reason to live.

I turned to Yuushi and handed him a piece of paper. On the paper it said:

_There are things in life that once you lose them, you will never be able to regain them again. I have caused the people around me to have many painful memories. I have hurt them. I am at fault. It must have been painful for you to lose the one that you loved. It must have been lonely for you to watch the one you love fade away and feel helpless._

_For that I am sorry. _

_I am sorry that you had to watch Gakuto pass away._

_I am so very, very sorry. _

Yuushi wiped away the tears in my eyes. Tears that I didn't realize was there had started making its way down my cheeks.

Yuushi smiled and said, "Don't be, because I still have you."

* * *

**Epilogue**

**Coming Home**

_We turn skeletons into gods, and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need and feel._

I was wrong. This was the first time that I had ever been so glad to admit that I was wrong. I was never alone. I was foolish to chase after love and affection that was never there in the first place. I was selfish to ignore the love and affection that had always been there in the first place. God had been fair. My parents had never loved me but I still have Toru-san, Kenji-san and Yuushi.

I was blessed. I was blessed with a second chance to live. I was blessed with a second chance to start over.

_Higher and higher._

I smiled as the wind brushed against me. It had been months since I had been back in the same playground that we met years ago. I found what I had always been looking for. I waited for my mom to show up but instead I found Yuushi.

At that time I didn't know I was lost. Foolishly, I lived in solitude and resentment for years. Selfishly, I caused the people around me so much pain and unnecessary suffering.

_Higher and higher._

_I felt like I was flying as I jumped off the swing._

"Welcome home, Keigo." Whispered Yuushi as he caught me in his arm.

Home.

I like the sound of that.

Fin.

* * *

A.N. I really want to say "thank you" to everyone for reading and reviewing this fiction. I was feeling bit uneasy when I started writing this story because of the topic. I had started this fiction because I was frustrated at all the misconceptions that people had toward eating disorder patients. The pain, suffering and blood behind each individual's story were enough to make anyone's blood run cold. I don't know when but somewhere along the line I had found peace in writing this story.

I only hope that I had help clear some of the myths regarding these unfortunate souls and that _"we are not just stupid girls who had nothing better to do than starve ourselves."_ There is so much more to it then being thin and wanting to make so little of ourselves. Along the way, we lost part of ourselves and started to crave invisibility. In the end, being thin was just a lie that we tried so hard to believe and achieved because maybe what we truly crave was the ability to disappear. I had wished that I never existed because the world would still go on and function without me.

Finally, not all patients were able to find the road of recovery and even with recovery many patients end up relapsing. Yet, I can't help but end this story with a happy ending because that is all I ever want for "stupid people like me."

_To find a home._

_To feel warm._

_To find a peace of mind._

…

Denite


End file.
